The Situational Beer Catalog

"Yo dude what's your favorite beer?"

-Written by Paul Gogliormella

A question muttered by millions.  A real "get to know you" type question, because you can really tell a lot about a person by how they answer this question.  There is a staggering difference between someone who answers with "Miller High Life," than someone who answers with "Herb-Crusted Artisanal October Microbrew."

HOWEVER, the only REAL answer to this question should be is, "well whats the situation?"  This is because every beer does not fit every situation, but lucky for you, Uncle Pauly is here to break down this situations, and what kind of beer would be ideal.

1.) The "I Need To Drink As Many Beers As Humanely Possible" Situation.

This situation is pretty self explanatory, and, if you're anything like me, the beer situation you'll find yourself in the most.  You're at a tailgate, a party, a pre-game, or you just plan on drinking A LOT of beer.  This is a quantity over quality type situation, and the beers you should be looking for is anything with the words "light"  or "lite" at the end.  Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite, Keystone Light, are all wonderful choices.  As well as being the lightest type of beer, these are typically going to be the cheapest, and since you're going for quantity, you're going to want to get your moneys worth.  You also want something as physically close to water as you can possibly get.  These are ideal for drinking games, chugging, etc.  You can't taste subtle herbal undertones through a beer funnel, trust me.

2.) The Open Bar Situation


When you're at any wedding, bar mitzvah, sweet sixteen worth going to, theres going to be an open bar.  Let me preface this by saying, if there was an open bar I would personally recommend to capitalize on the hard liquor more than the beer, and use the beer to compliment the cocktails.  That being said, if you're planning on drinking mainly beer there are ideal choices..  That's where Heineken, Rolling Rock, Stella Artois and Land Shark come into play.  These beers are light enough where you can drink a good amount of them, but they're just expensive enough where you wouldn't want to go out and buy a lot of them yourself.  Put it on the happy couple's tab.

3.) The "Well I Guess I'll Have A Beer With Dinner" Situation

So you're out to dinner with the family or the friends, and some brave soul is the first to declare that they're going to order a beer with dinner.  This also applies for anytime you really only plan on having one beer.  For this situation, you're not going to factor in how much you can drink or price because most likely you're not going to have more than one or two; you just want something that taste good to you. My personal choice would be a Blue Moon.  It's heavy enough where I could only drink a few as it is, PLUS it taste good as fuck with a nice little orange in it.

4.) The "Microbrew" Situation

For this situation, you're going to want to take the "microbrew" you just bought, and throw it directly in the trash.