-Written by Brad Cutler
Re: Happy Birthday
cc: everyone you know on Facebook
My dear friend,
It’s been a while. Hopefully, all is well. The Facebook has so graciously notified me, that today is your birthday. And as is our societies online customs, I am beseeched as your friend to write a post on your “wall" to help you celebrate this glorious day. I can see what others have written, but I myself, am troubled by a moral dilemma of what exactly I should be expressing to you.
It truly has been a while, so I dare ask myself, would a simple “Happy Birthday!” suffice? Perhaps. But I can’t help but dwell on the deeply-rooted history we have shared. Likely, I owe you more than that. More explanation points that is. Like at least three additional explanation points ought to do it.
Maybe that would further express the excitement I have for your birthday. But then again, I must ask myself, how many explanation points is enough? Could too many explanation points undermine the sincerity of my intentions? What if I used all CAPS? Alas, none of this feel right. No matter how loud I scream the two words, the post will always lack substance. Maybe, and just maybe, I could include a quaint “bro” after “Happy Birthday”? That would truly assist in symbolizing the brotherly-like bond that we have cultivated over many years.
However, I still feel like that that previous selection is lacking in something. What could it be? Ah, eureka! I realize that it is missing the personal touch. The “bro” feels too generic and a tad disingenuous. What if I were to replace the “bro” with your name? Studies have shown that the average person’s favorite word to hear in any language is, in fact, their own name. Yet still, would this be enough to demonstrate my gratitude for everything you’ve done for me? ‘Tis not. ‘Tis not enough. I would forever regret this action if you perceived my post as having a lack of effort. A lack of effort is something I refuse to convey.
I have read many of the other wishers’ posts on your wall. Several others have chosen to validate their relationship to you through photographs of the two of you together. In some instances, a “pic-stitch,” which I understand is some sort of collage of photos tied together with the seams of a white border, is even used to show how often you and the wisher have been together in front of a camera. But as I navigate through the rocky waters of nostalgia in my past pictures, I, unfortunately, find none that depict us together.
Why is this? How do we have no photographic proof of our friendship? If my memory serves me correctly, I believe that the last time we saw each other was on August 9th , 2002 at around 10:26AM in line at the Starbucks near your house. While we waited for our beverages, I recall asking if you liked coffee and you replied, “It’s not my cup of tea.” I lol-ed. Such grace you have. But since then, I guess we have drifted apart. This must be the fault of my own. You see, I have been so busy with my really cool new friends and my super hot girlfriend from Canada. You don’t know her. I met her at camp. I suppose I hadn’t realized how the years have eroded the once strong connection we had.
Shame on me.
Oh funny! Did you know there is a “see friendship” function on your profile? I just discovered it. This should be fun! Wait a moment. This can’t be. It has to be a mistake.
You’ve never written happy birthday on my wall. Not once on any of the 41 birthdays I’ve had. Not even a belated birthday wish for the ones you’ve missed. I don’t understand. Unless… you view me as nothing more than a casual acquaintance? A non-factor being that deserves no wish on the anniversary of the day of his birth. Come to think of it. You’ve never even “liked” any of the hilarious vines I’ve shared. You’ve never commented on any of my weekly themed Top-5 favorite things. Last week was my Top-5 favorite kinds of soda. This is truly devastating! Well you know what? Fuck you!!! Yeah, you read that right… I used three explanation points. This is the only wish I have for you on your birthday: I wish you would go fuck yourself. How could you do this to me? Even, after all of the classes we had together during our sophomore year of high school. Remember gym class? You picked me to be on your Frisbee team; not the other way around, asshole. I thought we had something special.
I’m sorry. That got out of hand. I said things that I can’t take back and our relationship may be permanently damaged beyond repair. It’s all my fault. I’m so sorry. I hope one day you will find it in your warm and tender heart to forgive me, friend. But for now I will give you the space you deserve while I go out and search for my true self. Thank you, for all of the years we’ve been friends. You will and always will be my only Facebook friend.
P.S. Have you watched the video I posted to your wall of the cat in the cereal box? LOL!