Classic Drunk Foods Ranked

Is there anything worse than going to sleep without eating food after a long night out?

-Written by Enrique Martinez

No, there isn’t.

That’s why we’re making life easier for you next time you’re too drunk to pick a place to eat at.

We’ve all been there: It’s the end of the night, things are winding down at the bar and they just announced last call. You’ve had more drinks than you said you would have, sang with random strangers and photobombed a few snapchat selfies. Haha great night champ!

In a moment of clarity you realize that you’re soooo hungry and you need to get something to eat before passing out with your pants on.

But there are so many choices out there, how are you going to choose the right place to go to?

I’m breaking down the best drunk foods so you can waste no time the next time you’re trying to decide what to stuff down your face.

The grading will be on a scale of 1- 3. 1 being bad, 2 being average, and 3 being best:

Easiness – 1 (Hard to get/make) | 2 (moderate) | 3 (Very easy to get/make)

Deliciousness – 1 (Not great, but it’ll do) | 2 (satisfied) | 3 (Amazing, you’ll tell your friends how amazing it was when you wake up.)

Next Day Feels – 1 (You feel awful and regretful) | 2 (Don’t feel great, but its just like any other day.) | 3 (You feel just fine, except for the hangover.)

Given the fact that when drunk, all you’re thinking about is the taste of the food, we are weighing deliciousness with 50%, Easiness at 37.5% and Next Day Feels at at 12.5%.

McDonald’s

A staple food of drunk people everywhere. Most McDonald’s are open late night so it makes sense for them to be on this list. There’s something for everyone: burgers, nuggets, ice cream etc.

McDonald’s are everywhere and it’s usually easy to pass one on the way home. As for its deliciousness score, there’s no explanation needed.

McDonald’s pretty much starts making you feel bad before you even buy it. A slow guilt usually sets in before you take your first bite, followed by your stomach preparing for the load of garbage its about to receive. Not even going to mention how bad the next morning is. 

Rating:

Easiness – 3.

Deliciousness – 3.

Next Day Feels- 1.

Weighted Score: 2.75

                                          What every Chinese restaurant ever looks like

                                          What every Chinese restaurant ever looks like

Chinese Food

Another loyal friend of the late night drunk, Chinese food is different in a way because it’s usually a full meal with the egg roll, soda can, and a fortune cookie. Chinese food is a grown mans’ drunk food.

Side-note: Have you ever noticed that every Chinese restaurant is pretty much the same thing anywhere you go? Like everything from the faded backlight menu pictures above the register to what’s actually on the menu, it’s all the same. Almost like there’s one supplier that sells dingy, rundown décor and equipment for every Chinese food place ever.

As for the easiness, we’re going go with the midway point here. Although Chinese places are usually pretty common, not all are open that late, which might make it difficult to get if your craving some sesame chicken after a late night.

There’s no disputing the deliciousness score, Chinese food usually hits all the cravings for carbs, meat, sweetness, spiciness and shame.

Next day feels might even be worse than Mcdonald’s. You’ll spend the next day sweating out the recycled frying oil that doused last night’s General Tso’s paired with spontaneous trips to the bathroom. Better not plan anything important that next day. 

Rating:

Easiness – 2.

Deliciousness – 3.

Next Day Feels- 1.

Weighted Score: 2.375

 

Fat Sandwiches

 If you were lucky enough to attend New Jersey’s finest institution of higher learning, there’s no doubt that you’ve had many of the delicacies offered by Rutger’s greasiest establishments. Originally prepared in what we call the “Grease Trucks”, these fat sandwiches dominate late night drunk food at Rutgers because every shop sells them. You can’t do business in New Brunswick if you don’t sell a fat sandwich.

Among my favorites is the Fat Bitch. A $7 sandwich with cheesesteak, chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, french fries, mayo, ketchup, lettuce & tomato.

It’s like the Frankenstein of sandwiches. Don’t let all those ingredients deceive you though, this thing is delicious.

Although other places have copied the success of fat sandwiches, the mecca for these monstrosities is Rutgers University in New Brunswick, NJ. So if you’re not visiting some of the fine establishments in the Dirty Brunz, you will not be getting a fat sandwich, giving them the low easiness score of 1.

As for next day feels, they’re not that bad for some reason. Obviously you dont feel as good as if you has opted for a salad or something, but Fat sandwiches tend to not do as much damage as other drunk foods.

Rating:

Easiness – 1

Deliciousness – 3

Next Day Feels- 2

Weighted Score: 2.125

                  If your pizza doesn’t come on a paper plate, you’re at the wrong place.

                  If your pizza doesn’t come on a paper plate, you’re at the wrong place.

Pizza

Pizza, the granddaddy of all drunk foods. Obviously had to take a stab at ranking such a classic late night food.

Being from the New Jersey, I know that not all pizza is created equal. Some places take forever to deliver and others present a sad excuse for baked bread mixed with cheese and tomatoes. For those inconsistencies we give pizza the 2 score.

However, the places that do make pizza right, could be like a god-send during your drunken stupor. A good way to tell the quality of a pizza shop is simply how well they make their plain slices. Nothing like a good old plain slice with red pepper flakes and garlic powder to top off a good night or make you forget all those embarrassing things you said to that one girl you thought you had a chance with, however you roll.

Rating:

Easiness – 2

Deliciousness – 2

Next Day Feels- 3

Weighted Score: 2.125

Pizza Rolls

Pizza Rolls are a great way to put processed carbs and cheese in your stomach without spending a lot of money.

The thing about pizza rolls is that you don’t always know when you’re going to have pizza rolls. You either buy them before hand or keep them in your freezer (sort of like a break in case of emergency food) for a long time and eventually use them. Other times I swear they just appear out of thin air, as if there was a Pizza Rolls fairy looking out for you. Seriously, pretty sure I’ve had pizza rolls in my house more times than I’ve bought them.

Easy enough to make in the microwave and serve gets Pizza Rolls a score of 3. Also, adding the fact that you can keep them in the freezer for along time gives them the top score, even if you do have to go out of your way to get them.

Deliciousness also gets a top score because you can’t really get better than bread, cheese and tomato sauce. Add a little ranch for dipping sauce and you’re set.

Next day feels gets a score of 2 because they won’t really destroy you, but all the processed food and preservatives don’t vibe well with my whole aura ya know??

I am going to take a 1 overall point off Pizza Rolls because of the danger factor. That’s right, these things are dangerous.

I’m talking about lava.

Real 2,000 degree lava that gets trapped inside these things. It happens all the time, and we get cocky. “Oh they couldn’t be THAT hot”, we foolishly say to ourselves. You take the first bite and BAM, tongue burn for the rest of the night. You wont be tasting things for the next week. Better luck next time.

                   You have to be careful with these things man, or you WILL get burned.

                   You have to be careful with these things man, or you WILL get burned.

Rating:

Easiness – 3

Deliciousness – 3 (2)

Next Day Feels- 2

- 1 for danger

Weighted Score: 2.375

Dino Nuggets

Dino Nuggets or Dino Nugz, are the poor man’s McNuggets. Usually available at grocery stores or convenience stores, these Nugz should not be underestimated.

I myself am not a huge fan of Dino Nugz but I’m not a man who will turn them down when they are in front of me. I will say that they are very convenient to have around for when all other food options fall through.

Similar to Pizza Rolls, Dino Nugz get a score of 3 for being able to stay in the freezer for a long time and being able to be “cooked” in the microwave.

However, and this is just a personal opinion, Dino Nugz are not the best tasting food option out there. In fact I don’t think they even have a taste at all. They may look like they taste good, but half the time you’re dunking them in some sort of condiment and just shoveling them in your mouth. The Nugz are really just a tool to scoop up as much of the ketchup or ranch that you can. But the good thing is that you can have as many as you want up to and until you stuff yourself.

As for next day feels, these Nugz fall right in the middle. You might not be feeling great the next day, but I’m not totally convinced it was the Nugz; maybe it was the 6 car bombs you and your buddies had towards the end of the night, but that’s just me. Which explains why you don’t have anymore money for real food.

Rating:

Easiness – 3

Deliciousness – 1

Next Day Feels- 2

Weighted Score: 1.875

Wawa Subs

If you’re not from the northeast, specifically New Jersey or Pennsylvania, you wont know the greatness of Wawa. But for those of you that are from those areas, you know what I’m talking about when I say Wawa subs are a great drunk food to have on the way back from a night out.

I myself like to get the Wawa sub before I go out, and have it ready for me when I get back. Alternatively, they are a great food to pregame the pregame with.

Given the fact that there aren’t that many Wawas around, they’re going to get that low score of 1 for easiness. But if you are lucky enough to be near a Wawa, they make up lost points with their deliciousness. It’s pretty great being able to load up on a bunch of deli meats and toppings. Don’t even get me started on how good their bread is.

Next day feels also gets a top score. I don’t know how “fresh” those ingredients really are, but they’re definitely a whole lot better than the rest of the food in this list. A Wawa sub has never really made me feel shitty the next day. In fact I probably feel better.

Rating:

Easiness – 1

Deliciousness – 3

Next Day Feels- 3

Weighted Score: 2.5

For the lazy:

1. Mcdonalds

2. Wawa Subs

3. Chinese Food and Pizza Rolls

4. Fat Sandwiches and Pizza

5. Dino Nuggets

Well there you have it, McDonald’s is the reigning king of the drunk food world.