I Go To The Movies By Myself Because My Only Two Friends Are Always Busy On The Same Day
-Written by Zaynab Hashemi
The Internet is, at its very core, a disgusting cesspool of personalized advertisements designed to pique your interest in some unworthy, garbage product just enough to spend your hard earned money on it. If you have done a Google search for the Coney Island Aquarium even once in the last three years, the Internet knows about it, and the Internet will target you with relentless rounds of advertisements until you eventually cave in on a Groupon deal for you and your eight closest friends.
Or so I’d assume. I don’t Google the Coney Island Aquarium on account of I’m not a nerd, but I do Google a lot of movies because I watch a lot of movies. A lot of movies. A lot. Please, look me in the eyes while I tell you this. I watch a lot of movies. I spend hours a week watching movie trailers on YouTube. One month I used 1.5gb of data on the IMDb app alone. My dad was so mad at me. It was very irresponsible.
The Internet has quickly learned my habits and is constantly flooding me with irresistible sneak peeks at new movies. I am the first person to find out about new teaser trailers, full length trailers, early reveal scenes, film release dates, you freaking name it. Every time I open my laptop I see an ad for a movie and that’s when I get the tingle. It starts in my hands and travels all the way up to my face. I become completely numb. I have to see that movie. I have to see that movie as soon as possible, or I will die.
My (two) friends are pretty cool and they also like movies, so you’d think it would be pretty easy to bring a pal to the cinema and catch a flick, right? I mean, TWO friends???? I am spoiled for choice! Well, sorry, but think again. Almost always, my friends are busy on the same day. The odds are incredibly unlikely that TWO people would BOTH be busy at the SAME time on any given day. But please, do not pity me, for I have found pleasure and comfort in going to the movies alone. I made a list of the things I like about it to try and fight the stigma of solo movie going:
· If you do get popcorn, you don’t have to share.
· If you don’t get popcorn because you think the popcorn at the movies is too buttery and you don’t really like butter that much, well, then no offense, there is no one to tell you that your opinion is wrong.
· Sometimes the cashiers will be a little bit nicer to you because they pity you.
· You can bring your blanket without worrying about your idiot friend shouting, “is that a BLLLAAAAANKET?????” making you a prime target for blanket theft.
· You can show up to a crowded movie really late and still find a seat because you don’t have to worry about finding adjacent seats.
· There is no social obligation to do anything immediately before/after the movie. You can just go home and watch another movie (on Netflix).
· Movies are just long enough that your disappearance will give you an attractive air of mystery. “Where were you?” “Why didn’t you answer my text in a timely manner?” “Did you see my DM yet?” Mind your business.
I hope you found solace in these bullet points. The movie theater is where you will learn to love yourself. I hope to see you all there- alone.