Piss Like A Champion Today Boys
-Written by Alec Baicher
The new Head Coach of the University of Texas, Todd Herman, has a lot on his plate. He is now running arguably one of the top-5 most prestigious college football programs in the country that has been bad for the past 3-4 seasons. Texas football is about winning, tradition, and kicking Oklahoma's ass in the Cotton Bowl.
Todd Herman now has the task of recruiting the top athletes, specifically players from Texas, back to Austin. To play at Texas you need to be the best of the best. You need to be the fastest, you need to be the strongest, and apparently, your piss better be crystal clear.
Yes, you read that right.
Todd Herman's "piss chart" came out on social media today and it is fantastic. Herman has certain levels of piss that his players must adhere too. If you don't, Herman publicly humiliates you in front of the entire team. Please see the chart below:
Folks, let me tell you, as a Texas Longhorn football fan, I am officially all in on Todd Herman, This is BRILLIANT. To be a champion, you need to be the best. Deadlight 500 lbs? Good work son. Bench press 350? Hell of a job boy. Have piss levels below a 4? WTF ARE YOU DOING KID!
That is exactly what I imagine Herman is doing. I love it. Players need to be in tip top shape to be playing Texas football. Austin gets HOT, I don't need any "Bad Guys" pissing orange pee out here. Hydrate and give you me your best crystal clear pee men!
Texas football is officially BACK.
P.S. I just printed this paper out. This will now sit above my bed to remind me to drink water before bed after a night of drinking. Can't wake up and have blatant disregard for my teammates. And I do NOT want to head to "Area 51"