Rich Kids Are Sad After Ja Rule Tricks Them Into “Fancy” Festival

The Fyre Festival turned out to not be so LIT.

-Written by Adam Guttzeit

Trust fund babies have seemingly fallen victim to a scam lead by none other than rapper Ja Rule. The Fyre Festival was promoted as a luxury musical festival filled with headliners like Migos, gourmet meals, and parties and celebrities galore.

However, when the hyped up youth arrived in the Bahamas, the fantasy they had anticipated quickly turned into a nightmare in paradise. The grounds were set up with shoddy looking tents, limited food and water, and hostile security.

These poor kids just wanted to go do some cocaine, chase it with some molly, and have a grand ol’ time. Is that too much to ask for? Is it Ja? You let these kids down. They came for sunrise yoga and unprotected sex with strangers, and you supply them with boxed lunches?! You think my guy Cleevis VanHorn who goes to Duke and summers in the Hamptons wants a cheese sandwich and a bullshit salad? Get my boy some Lobster Newburg or GTFO.

I know how insensitive this sounds and in no way am I making light of the situation over there, but this could easily pass for a refugee camp at a quick glance. Call me an asshole, but try to tell me I am wrong here.

The biggest warning for these kids before buying tickets should have been that Kendall Jenner was being used as an endorser to draw people in. Anything that that family comes out with or is a part of, you should immediately be weary of.

There were reports of luggage being dropped off the back of a truck in the dark, possessions being stolen, and gunfire in the area.

Things got worse when the plane they were waiting to escape on was still M.I.A, over in MIA. Which confuses me because I figured they all were waiting for their private jets.

Moral of the story is, if a washed up rapper and a bunch of people who are famous for no reason try to bate you into a brand new festival, stay home or go pretend to be cool at Coachella.