Knee-Deep In A Ficus.
-Written by Paul Gogliormella
With the recent firing of James Comey, the White House has been even more of a shit show than usual, which is no easy feat. When the news was released, reporters naturally had a lot of questions.
Spicer originally wasn't going to answer any questions, but because of the pressure and criticism from Democrats and Republicans, as well as the gathering reporters, Spicer cracked.
The Washington Post reported, "After Spicer spent several minutes hidden in the bushes behind these sets, Janet Montesi, an executive assistant in the press office, emerged and told reporters that Spicer would answer some questions, as long as he was not filmed doing so. Spicer then emerged."
HE EMERGED FROM THE BUSHES?! How long was he hiding behind there? What was his goal? Did he think everyone would just disappear if he hid in the bushes for a few minutes? Is Spicer the worst hide and seek player of all time? I like to think that Trump made Spicer's office just a desk behind some bushes, and that's where Spicer does all his work and plays with fidget spinners.
I love that the Washington Post also keeps using the word "emerged," it makes it sound like Spicer literally flew out of the bushes like a stripper popping out of a cake. He even had this Janet lady introduce him as if he was an act.
The Washington Report than reports:
"'Just turn the lights off. Turn the lights off,' Spicer ordered. 'We'll take care of this. ... Can you just turn that light off?'
Spicer got his wish and was soon standing in near darkness between two tall hedges, with more than a dozen reporters closely gathered around him."
This leads to another theory of mine, that Spicer may actually be a vampire and/or a Sith Lord. We need someone on the front lines to get some garlic near him and see how he reacts.
Spicer went on to answer ZERO of the questions with an intelligent or articulate or meaningful response.
Here are some excerpts of the questions and answers:
Essentially every single answer is "I don't, I, I don't know," or "ask the Department of Justice." Uhhhh Spicy, I'm asking YOU, if I wanted to know what the DOJ thought I'd ask them. Spicer seems even MORE flustered than usual, something I didn't even think was possible.
Hopefully. we get some more concrete answers within the next few days, but don't hold your breath.