You Know Who These People Are
-Written by Paul Gogliormella
Memorial Day Weekend, the unofficial start of the summer. The smell of regret and stale beer start to overtake the greater Belmar/Manasquan area and people start to get settled into their summer beach houses.
Truly a magical time.
However, Memorial Day Weekend is usually not an appropriate barometer for how the summer will be. Being a holiday weekend it is VASTLY different than a typical weekend down the shore; and there a certain characters that you are bound to meet. Lets meet some of them:
1.) The Acquaintance From College Who Cuts You In Line
Now, if you spent any amount of time at a bar down the shore, you are quite aware that lines are a big issue. Timing is everything, and if you show up in line for Osprey 5 minutes too late, you might be adding an extra hour on to your wait.
This is where our old pal from college comes into the picture. This person is going to see you in line, walk over, and just assume his or spot right next to you. Maybe they’ll say something like, “this line is crazy,” or “thank god I found you here.”
It is important to note that this person is almost ALWAYS an acquaintance at BEST. They aren’t someone you would ever to call with to hang out, and when you make it in the bar you will probably not see them at all. But for the time being, they will treat you as their best friend because you just saved them from standing in line an extra 45 minutes. (Disclaimer: I am guilty of having done this numerous times.
2.) The Friend Who Is Already At The Bar
The thing about living down the shore, is that you are bound to have a number of connections, especially if you went to school in the area. It is critical to utilize this network to maximize your fun potential. Naturally, someone in this network will make it to the bar before you; they are your recon person, your eyes in the sky. You ask this person questions like, “how is it, is it crowded, is there a line?”
Super important to note that when you ask this person if there is a line, they will give you an answer, and they are ALWAYS wrong. They’ll say, “no line, you still got time,” MEANWHILE, there's people lined up for six and a half miles!
3.) The Plans Coordinator
This person knows the entire Memorial Day Weekend playbook. They know exactly who is going where, what time they’re going, what time they’re leaving, what time they’re pregaming etc. This person knows all the official rules, and if you try to steer them from their pre-conceived plans, they will shut it down.
This person somehow knows that everyone is going to be at Djais at 11 A.M on Sunday, at Bar A at 8 P.M on Saturday, and for whatever reason EVERYONE down the shore agrees on these plans. Who are these mystery deciders, making the decision that Fridays are for Osprey, and on Saturdays Bar A is the move? WHO ARE THEY?!
4.) The Hot Girls Who Cut The Line
I’ll tell ya what, being a hot girl down the shore has got to be a pretty great experience. People buying you drinks, cutting lines, and just doing whatever you want with no repercussions. Cutting lines has got to be the best advantage though; I’m talking about saving hours upon hours of valuable drinking time. Now I might stir some feathers here, but I think the bar has been lowered in terms of how hot a girl has to be to cut the whole line.
For you to be “cut the whole line hot” you have to be a borderline 10 in my view. I see these bouncers letting 4s, 5s, 6s, cut the line and that’s unacceptable. If I were in charge there’d be much stricter rules. Under a 10 you go to the back of the line just like everybody else. I’m not sorry about it.
5.) The Guys Who Pay To Cut The Line
So you’re waiting in line and then you notice a few guys approach a bouncer, slip him some amount of money, and then he brings them up to the front of the line. How much do they pay him? I have no idea cause I have never been this person. With that being said, I see nothing wrong with this. Paying more money for better service is a STAPLE in American culture and who am I to judge? I just want to know how much these guys pay, and how much is too much? Anything over like $10-$20 has got to be too much right?
6.) The Person Who Isn’t Hungover
You’ll have one friend, that for whatever reason, is ready to go at any hour of the day REGARDLESS of how much they drank last night. This person will PROBABLY be someone who doesn’t go to the shore a lot, and they are seeing this as a weekend that they really have to make the most of. They’re gonna wake up at 8 in the morning, and be ready to drink by 8:15. You might see them and think, “But Billy, I saw you drink 23 tequilla shots 6 hours ago, don’t you need to regroup?” Not only do they not need to regroup, they can’t wrap their heads around YOU needing to regroup. You might need a refractory period before I get back on the horse, this friend of yours does not.
7.) The Friend That Is VIOLENTLY Hungover
We just met our pal who doesn’t get hungover, now lets meet our violently hungover friend. This person isn’t normal hung-over, he is so hungover that you start to question his long-term safety. They went a bit harder than everyone else the night before and now they’re gonna take a backseat during the pregame, maybe even start a few hours later than everybody else.
8.) The Guys Who Are Probably Too Old For This
Now listen, I don’t want to judge these people, because who knows where I might be in 5 years? Maybe I’ll still want to be down the shore. However, there is always a guy, maybe a group of them, and they’re ALWAYS causing a scene, making you think to yourself, “maybe it’s time you guys retire from the shore, you had your time, and its over.”
That’s all I got for now, but I’m sure there are many more. Let me know if you think I missed any.