Written by: Eric M. Hammer
Originally posted at TheEricHammer.com.
Since OJ's parole hearing last week, I've been back and forth on this. Part of me thinks Juice would make a great cellmate. But part of me thinks it could be a terrible situation. My goal is that writing this all out will help sway me one way or the other. And for the 3-6 people reading this, maybe I'll convince you of one side as well. So I ask again, out loud, would OJ Simpson be a good cellmate in jail?
Pro - you stay under the radar. You're never the more popular cellmate. I've never been in jail, but from what I understand it's a major plan of action to attempt to blend in. "I just wanna do my time and get outta here". Ever hear of it? One way to stay under the radar is to never be first in command.
Con - OJ Simpson potentially killed two people. Though not convicted, he's far from a model citizen. And one argument, one nasty look, one bad day and you end up with your head splattered across the jail cell floor. I'd have to think you'd want your cellmate to have exactly zero ties to murder and/or violent crimes.
Pro - street cred. Assuming you can establish a good rapport with him, OJ Simpson seems like a loyal guy to his boys. If you can avoid getting suffocated in your sleep, you're very much on the in with OJ. And subsequently, nobody's gonna fuck with you if you're eating lunch with OJ. The fear he elicits and thus the respect he gets spreads to his crew as well. Again, I've never been to jail, but I'd think there are worse reputations than "he's tight with OJ Simpson".
Con - Is there such thing as a good cellmate? The whole ordeal of being incarcerated seems rather melancholy and desolate. Sure, when you're there you have to make the best of it and do what you gotta do in order to survive. But you could make the argument that no cellmate is a good cellmate.
Pro - the stories. The Juice probably has stories for days (or should I say YEARS because they're jail?). Passing the time is key in prison, and if you're locked up with OJ that man's gonna have stories to last a lifetime, maybe even a life sentence. And as we saw during last week's hearing, he's an old fashioned funny man. Nothing passes the time like some jailhouse laughter, that's what I always say.
Con - enemies. With fame and fortune come haters and enemies. If he's got em, you've got em. Rules are rules. Fair is fair. This is important.
Pro - special treatment. Celebs and high profile people get preferential treatment in jail. I don't care if you (may or may not have) chopped your wife's head off or if you didn't file your taxes. If you're of any status, you get hooked up in life, both in jail and out of jail. Similar to having a rich roommate in college, you get to go along for the ride sometimes.
If my math adds up, that makes 4 pros and 3 cons. This mathematical conclusion proves that OJ Simpson would, in fact, make a good cellmate; a suitable one if nothing else.